As I sit here typing this, I can’t help but wonder where my happiness has vanished to. All my life, I’ve been described as this youthful, radiant and joyful woman who needed nothing but pure bliss and laughter to get through the days naturally called life. But as I age ever so gracefully into my later twenties, I’ve realized those joyful days are becoming slim to none. Why? Because of life itself … College didn’t prepare me for the real world and what I’d soon face. In fact, nothing prepared me for the real world until I stepped foot into it and faced the bullshit head on.
For one, I’ve mentioned how much I hate my job. And you can guess nothing about it has changed. Working in a predominantly Caucasian field while being the only African American in the department gets depressing. Just as Olivia Pope’s father off the show Scandal said, “You have to be twice as good as them to get half of what they have.” It’s sad but true and something I’ve witnessed in my own place of employment. I can literally feel the judgement from certain VP’s when I switch up my hair to a more natural look or when I choose NOT to kiss ass. The white assistants are just more relate-able than the black one I assumed… The drive to go the extra mile died a long time ago when it comes to that job.
My loneliness has also become a problem, more than ever before! It’s now at an all time high. Yes, you can have friends and still feel lonely. It’s been almost two years since my best friend died and life will never be the same. Our bond unbroken no matter how long I’d be mad at him. With him physically gone, I don’t really have anyone else on this earth I feel comfortable sharing my inner most personal feelings free of judgement. Someone who would go to the ends of the earth for me in the name of love; It’s hard to find a replacement to that. So I tend to stay closed off and to myself more. By never letting anyone fully in, I do find myself lonely most times… It’s a natural instinct protecting my own heart from this cruel and unforgiving world.
Last but not least, I’ve been feeling down on myself and what I’m doing with my life. Yes, I realize comparison is the devil, but I feel at times I’m not doing enough to better the world compared to others I know. Most of us find fulfillment in helping humanity, like a humanitarian cause. Isn’t that why we’re here on earth? To better this place and others? I’ve thought of it all: write books, teach, get a men-tee. But we all know it’s easier said than done. By the time I come home from work, often times I’m drained mentally and physically. I barely have time to do anything at all. How can I save the world when I can barely save myself?
These are just my EOW thoughts which have been driving me insane. It’s nice to share your feelings even if it’s with complete strangers.. somehow I’m closer to you all than the people I know in real life.
I do miss my happy self… I need to find the joy in life again!
Picture from unsplash